It is easy to have this diva-complex... this notion that you know everything and that what ever you know is for the 'good of all mankind' because it is coming from you. That is the problem with the self-centered universe... it usually doesn't provide a space for others to shine because, well, you are in the way.
I must say that this weekend at our first Creative Brunch I was blindsided with the wisdom of others. As our discussion agenda proceeded and we talked more and more, I found myself listening... listening as if my life depended on it. In our small circle of women, women who came from all background, perspectives and experiences of life, I found that there is much more to be understood and for the first time in a long time, I was the mentee and not the mentor.
These women spoke of the pain of seeing their daughters being influenced by a society that objectified and culturally molested them. They spoke of their bad decisions and the need to counteract the message of videos and songs that seemed to hold their daughters in a net of negative choices and consequences. They spoke of militant action and community consensus to deal with these issues and stand up for their children.
One mother spoke of the pain of confronting her child with the confession of the bad choices which led to her single motherhood. She shared how she had to humble herself and tell her daughter the truth in love and communicate her desire to see her loved, settled, and confident in who she is so that her fate would not repeat itself in her. I saw love in action and I was blessed to be there to hear it.
What would happen if all the mothers and big sisters and aunties of the world surrounded our young women and stood stronger than the Nation of Islam ever has in defense of their virtue, their innocence, and their womanhood. I got a feeling that is what is happening here... the arms are beginning to link together and we are slowly standing up. We can not stand idly by while culture degrades our young sisters and turns their minds into brothels... it can not happen on our watch.
It is time to listen, it is time to take a stand... we invite you to join us.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Nothing goes as planned...
I am a wordy person. Learning to say much in few words is challenging for me; but, if I want to blog I have to learn. These days, the only way I can say little is by listening more.
As we begin the planning phase for the upcoming D.I.V.A.S. 2011 Summer Program, I find myself wanting, needing to LISTEN. What is going on in the world? What do young ladies need to know? How can we inspire them to achieve more, accomplish more, be more productive for personal benefit? These are questions I pose to open space... I am ready to listen.
As we begin the planning phase for the upcoming D.I.V.A.S. 2011 Summer Program, I find myself wanting, needing to LISTEN. What is going on in the world? What do young ladies need to know? How can we inspire them to achieve more, accomplish more, be more productive for personal benefit? These are questions I pose to open space... I am ready to listen.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
The Case for Community
This program week has been interesting. Part of our function as a Mentoring program is to provide opportunities for our participants to become "aware of their surroundings and contribute to their community". It is sometimes amazing how when you write down a purpose, make a pledge, or state a mission, everything you do and plan somehow lines up with it.
On Wednesday, we caught the #14 StarMetro downtown to take a tour of our own City Hall. Many of our participants, though they were born and raised here in Tallahassee, have never taken a tour of the building downtown. Thanks to Michelle Bono and Delores Downing in City Manager Anita Favors-Thompson's office for facilitating this opportunity for the DIVAS. They were able to sit in the Commissioner's seats, speak with the folks in Traffic Control (that was really scary!), and receive goodies and information on recycling and energy conservation tips from the Go Green Initiative. Besides attending the first half of the city commission meeting that afternoon, one of our own DIVAS was called to do an impromptu speech before the commission at the request of Mayor Marks. It was a good time, and the girls seemed to understand that there is a lot more to running a City than just the Police and the Utility company.
On Thursday, we were able to have the Tallahassee Police Department's Gang Unit visit the program to discuss the recent gang activity in Southside Tallahassee. The young ladies appeared to be a bit casual and sassy with the Officers, and I reiterated to them that despite attitudes that family members and others may have of the Police, those Officers have taken an oath to protect them and that should demand their highest respect. I also reminded them that if they are not breaking the law, they have no reason to dislike police officers... in fact, they should support our local law enforcement because they keep us safe and do their job out of commitment to community and not income potential. I am concerned about the way that our youth perceive the work of law enforcement and I hope to explore opportunities for our participants to gain more insight into this realm of government in the near future.
On Friday, we took a day to visit the pool at the Walker-Ford Community Center. Although it was hot, the use of the pool- which resembled a family reunion weekend with all of the folks there- was a great way for the girls to see how our government facilitates the recreation and enjoyment of its citizens through something as simple as a swimming pool. It is important to also note that use of the Walker-Ford Community Pool is free to Tallahassee residents this summer. There were babies, grandparents, children, and teens enjoying the day; and there was adequate supervision, which lended to further enjoyment. One of the young ladies felt that was the most fun she'd had this summer... that was huge.
On Saturday morning we had our first RainWash of the summer. Hosted by the Paradise Grill & Bar on 7th & N. Meridian, the young ladies pre-sold tickets and we invited the community to be a part of the DIVAS movement. And they responded... 'en masse'. We washed cars the entire time... there was scarcely a moment when we were not taking tickets or donations. For me, it was community at it's best; parents and children working side by side, people stopping by to get their cars washed or to simply donate to the program, and a beautiful day to serve as a backdrop to it all. It does a heart good... the Lord simply blessed what we were doing in a magnificent way. So much more could be said, but I will leave it at that.
As a child, I never knew the value of what my mother would teach me about community. No matter which sector- families, organization, government- we are all so innately interwoven together that it is important for us to teach and show our young people now so that they may find their place to serve in the future. If this program does anything for our participants, I hope it will do that. Blessings, CH
On Wednesday, we caught the #14 StarMetro downtown to take a tour of our own City Hall. Many of our participants, though they were born and raised here in Tallahassee, have never taken a tour of the building downtown. Thanks to Michelle Bono and Delores Downing in City Manager Anita Favors-Thompson's office for facilitating this opportunity for the DIVAS. They were able to sit in the Commissioner's seats, speak with the folks in Traffic Control (that was really scary!), and receive goodies and information on recycling and energy conservation tips from the Go Green Initiative. Besides attending the first half of the city commission meeting that afternoon, one of our own DIVAS was called to do an impromptu speech before the commission at the request of Mayor Marks. It was a good time, and the girls seemed to understand that there is a lot more to running a City than just the Police and the Utility company.
On Thursday, we were able to have the Tallahassee Police Department's Gang Unit visit the program to discuss the recent gang activity in Southside Tallahassee. The young ladies appeared to be a bit casual and sassy with the Officers, and I reiterated to them that despite attitudes that family members and others may have of the Police, those Officers have taken an oath to protect them and that should demand their highest respect. I also reminded them that if they are not breaking the law, they have no reason to dislike police officers... in fact, they should support our local law enforcement because they keep us safe and do their job out of commitment to community and not income potential. I am concerned about the way that our youth perceive the work of law enforcement and I hope to explore opportunities for our participants to gain more insight into this realm of government in the near future.
On Friday, we took a day to visit the pool at the Walker-Ford Community Center. Although it was hot, the use of the pool- which resembled a family reunion weekend with all of the folks there- was a great way for the girls to see how our government facilitates the recreation and enjoyment of its citizens through something as simple as a swimming pool. It is important to also note that use of the Walker-Ford Community Pool is free to Tallahassee residents this summer. There were babies, grandparents, children, and teens enjoying the day; and there was adequate supervision, which lended to further enjoyment. One of the young ladies felt that was the most fun she'd had this summer... that was huge.
On Saturday morning we had our first RainWash of the summer. Hosted by the Paradise Grill & Bar on 7th & N. Meridian, the young ladies pre-sold tickets and we invited the community to be a part of the DIVAS movement. And they responded... 'en masse'. We washed cars the entire time... there was scarcely a moment when we were not taking tickets or donations. For me, it was community at it's best; parents and children working side by side, people stopping by to get their cars washed or to simply donate to the program, and a beautiful day to serve as a backdrop to it all. It does a heart good... the Lord simply blessed what we were doing in a magnificent way. So much more could be said, but I will leave it at that.
As a child, I never knew the value of what my mother would teach me about community. No matter which sector- families, organization, government- we are all so innately interwoven together that it is important for us to teach and show our young people now so that they may find their place to serve in the future. If this program does anything for our participants, I hope it will do that. Blessings, CH
Monday, June 21, 2010
'Bout our business...
Meaness in teenage girls translates into so much. They can say things that sting like acid to each other yet go back and hang with the same chick they just tore down. They can hate to be there yet can't wait to go back. They despise you and yet want to be like you. It's not an enigma... it just is what it is.
What is the source of this lashing out? Well, when babies are hungry, they cry. When teens are unsure and uncomfortable about themselves, they lash out. They lash out on whoever is around; it is cruel, it is mean, but it is what it is.
What can you do about it? Well, it's kinda like a hungry man with a recipe and ingredients. It ain't food yet until he mixes them together by following the instructions, and he has to cope with the fact that he will indeed be hungry until the meal is done. These young women are quite simply 'undone'... they are either improperly mixed together or they have all the ingredients but are in need of instruction.
This leads me to the question, "Are we doing our teens a favor in leaving them to 'find' themselves?" What do we leave thme to look for? Do they have a point of reference they can employ? In popular psychology's quest for self-exploration, have we left our children to embrace chaos for the sake of creativity? I have a lot of questions today I know, but everyday when I look at these young ladies, they seem to be saying "please show me something eternal... I want to be 'bout something."
Laying down foundational understanding requires order, set direction, and a sheer resolve that transcends their meaness and speaks the truth in love to them. We may have to be open about the mistakes we have made and hinderances they have resulted in. We must tell them there is a God and only a fool believes otherwise. We should tell them they are divinely created to carry out a purpose on this earth according to a soveriegn design, and we have to believe and work with them until it is realized. We will show them how to enjoy and love themselves as women and individual personalities, and give them space to be who they are while refining how they represent themselves to others. It is a work that takes faith, patience, and divine guidance in order to accomplish without selfishly using who they are to magnify who we are.
In a nutshell- we must love our daughters by applying consistent correction to them. Holding them accountable to a standard may not be popular- and I can remember disliking my mother many a day- but the fruit of such discipline can't be even be measured. I had the wonderful experience today of hearing one my DIVAS actually admit to the wrong she had done... the process of thought she employed led her to the conclusion that she was ultimately to blame. Priceless... and a mark of maturity at an age where everything is someone else's fault. The greatest thing is that I didn't have to fuss... all I had to do was listen. She took ownership of the standard, and I was extremely glad.
I am not attempting to sugar coat the downright anger that is sometimes beneath the surface of our personalities- it won't be denied, bubbling up and causing events that would otherwise be uncharacteristic. However, we cannot be afraid of the potential meanness and uglyness; we can't be afraid of the attitudes, the poppin' and lockin' and sheer power struggles that may come. We have to look beyond them and see their future... that is the only we we can keep from getting emotionally offended. In us is the power to equip our young ladies to "be 'bout somethin'..." Blessings!CH
What is the source of this lashing out? Well, when babies are hungry, they cry. When teens are unsure and uncomfortable about themselves, they lash out. They lash out on whoever is around; it is cruel, it is mean, but it is what it is.
What can you do about it? Well, it's kinda like a hungry man with a recipe and ingredients. It ain't food yet until he mixes them together by following the instructions, and he has to cope with the fact that he will indeed be hungry until the meal is done. These young women are quite simply 'undone'... they are either improperly mixed together or they have all the ingredients but are in need of instruction.
This leads me to the question, "Are we doing our teens a favor in leaving them to 'find' themselves?" What do we leave thme to look for? Do they have a point of reference they can employ? In popular psychology's quest for self-exploration, have we left our children to embrace chaos for the sake of creativity? I have a lot of questions today I know, but everyday when I look at these young ladies, they seem to be saying "please show me something eternal... I want to be 'bout something."
Laying down foundational understanding requires order, set direction, and a sheer resolve that transcends their meaness and speaks the truth in love to them. We may have to be open about the mistakes we have made and hinderances they have resulted in. We must tell them there is a God and only a fool believes otherwise. We should tell them they are divinely created to carry out a purpose on this earth according to a soveriegn design, and we have to believe and work with them until it is realized. We will show them how to enjoy and love themselves as women and individual personalities, and give them space to be who they are while refining how they represent themselves to others. It is a work that takes faith, patience, and divine guidance in order to accomplish without selfishly using who they are to magnify who we are.
In a nutshell- we must love our daughters by applying consistent correction to them. Holding them accountable to a standard may not be popular- and I can remember disliking my mother many a day- but the fruit of such discipline can't be even be measured. I had the wonderful experience today of hearing one my DIVAS actually admit to the wrong she had done... the process of thought she employed led her to the conclusion that she was ultimately to blame. Priceless... and a mark of maturity at an age where everything is someone else's fault. The greatest thing is that I didn't have to fuss... all I had to do was listen. She took ownership of the standard, and I was extremely glad.
I am not attempting to sugar coat the downright anger that is sometimes beneath the surface of our personalities- it won't be denied, bubbling up and causing events that would otherwise be uncharacteristic. However, we cannot be afraid of the potential meanness and uglyness; we can't be afraid of the attitudes, the poppin' and lockin' and sheer power struggles that may come. We have to look beyond them and see their future... that is the only we we can keep from getting emotionally offended. In us is the power to equip our young ladies to "be 'bout somethin'..." Blessings!CH
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Drama, the Issues, and Conflict Resolution
In eleven years of mentoring teenage girls in Southside Tallahassee, there is one constant that you can always look forward to... Drama. When kids are young, I blame it on television that everything they say or think is overstated, overdramatized, and excitable. Just look at how cartoon characters talk- it teaches children to be, well, dramatic. Now, fast-forward 10 years to adolescence. Almost a decade of training, raising, and teaching and most young women seem to get worse with the drama factor.
You can always tell when it's about to happen; factions that were once aligned suddenly begin separating and drawing attention from 1-3 other persons whom you haven't seen these folks 'hanging with' before. Then there's the 'sitting on opposite sides of the room with the persons of interest', staring across the way at the other group as the whispers continue. Then, one girl- I call her the 'reporter'- who has gathered all of the facts of the contention, is finally ready to air the details to the group at large. It's funny- it kinda plays out like a script without an appointed director. However, it is amazing how despite the unique situations that spring forward, the format somehow remains the same.
The role of the group facilitator is to find out the root source of the contention and attempt to snuff it out. But what can you do when problems outside of the program are the root source? You can't just go and deal with the 'momma and 'em'... that is outside of your professional scope. You are somewhat limited in what you can do with the participant, because your counsel may be viewed as out of line and you know that children are prone to misunderstand and miscommunicate almost anything. What can you do? Well, in the case of the immediate contention, I would not advise just sweeping it under the rug and letting the kids 'figure it out'... there has to be a mediator present in order to assist in helping them sort out the issues and if one of their peers can't do it, then more than likely, as a leader, you need to. The absence of such will aid in permitting the situation to escalate into something altogether more dramatic and potentially violent.
With this in mind, I am a huge advocate of required teaching of conflict resolution skills to teens. The pressure to be in power either by intimidation or other 'calls to fames' is real, and without the knowledge of how to approach situations through a process of logic and thought is setting them up for failure and poor behavior in public. A lot of the conflicts have little to do with what the children actually do themselves- domestic and economic issues at home, fearfulness that needs for proper participation won't be provided, and the shame associated with the two manifest themselves in the group drama. However, it took years for me to understand that my job is not to solve the 'home problems' of the young ladies I work with... it is to provide a safe place in the midst of their common reality and a right example for them to follow.
I don't know that we realize the impact we have on our youth when we teach them to personally confront their issues. As tough as they talk, teens battle with all of the negativities of the world within the framework of an immature and uneducated perspective- the world around them says they are not good enough, smart enough, rich enough, valuable enough, pretty enough- nothing is enough, and they project all of those negativities on each other- hence the fuel for he drama. Unfortunately as adults, we sometimes run away from the issues when they manifest when they are really opportunities to serve as teaching moments and to give them the real truth concerning themselves to combat the negativeness at play. Sometimes the drama they are acting out is not even their script; they are lines being audited to them by parents and/or guardians based on circumstances that have nothing to do with the child. In those cases, process-based thought would help the teen maintain the honor due to that parent while teaching them how to logically and rationally approach issues. More importantly, it may keep them from projecting on each other!
Our young women are precious and need to be treated as such. We have to arm them with the tools necessary to help them overcome drama and help have a positive impact on each other. The DIVAS will be participating in several modules of training during our Summer program. It is our hope that the knowledge they receive would be useful in helping them become trusted leaders among their peers. Let me know your thoughts... Blessings!CH
You can always tell when it's about to happen; factions that were once aligned suddenly begin separating and drawing attention from 1-3 other persons whom you haven't seen these folks 'hanging with' before. Then there's the 'sitting on opposite sides of the room with the persons of interest', staring across the way at the other group as the whispers continue. Then, one girl- I call her the 'reporter'- who has gathered all of the facts of the contention, is finally ready to air the details to the group at large. It's funny- it kinda plays out like a script without an appointed director. However, it is amazing how despite the unique situations that spring forward, the format somehow remains the same.
The role of the group facilitator is to find out the root source of the contention and attempt to snuff it out. But what can you do when problems outside of the program are the root source? You can't just go and deal with the 'momma and 'em'... that is outside of your professional scope. You are somewhat limited in what you can do with the participant, because your counsel may be viewed as out of line and you know that children are prone to misunderstand and miscommunicate almost anything. What can you do? Well, in the case of the immediate contention, I would not advise just sweeping it under the rug and letting the kids 'figure it out'... there has to be a mediator present in order to assist in helping them sort out the issues and if one of their peers can't do it, then more than likely, as a leader, you need to. The absence of such will aid in permitting the situation to escalate into something altogether more dramatic and potentially violent.
With this in mind, I am a huge advocate of required teaching of conflict resolution skills to teens. The pressure to be in power either by intimidation or other 'calls to fames' is real, and without the knowledge of how to approach situations through a process of logic and thought is setting them up for failure and poor behavior in public. A lot of the conflicts have little to do with what the children actually do themselves- domestic and economic issues at home, fearfulness that needs for proper participation won't be provided, and the shame associated with the two manifest themselves in the group drama. However, it took years for me to understand that my job is not to solve the 'home problems' of the young ladies I work with... it is to provide a safe place in the midst of their common reality and a right example for them to follow.
I don't know that we realize the impact we have on our youth when we teach them to personally confront their issues. As tough as they talk, teens battle with all of the negativities of the world within the framework of an immature and uneducated perspective- the world around them says they are not good enough, smart enough, rich enough, valuable enough, pretty enough- nothing is enough, and they project all of those negativities on each other- hence the fuel for he drama. Unfortunately as adults, we sometimes run away from the issues when they manifest when they are really opportunities to serve as teaching moments and to give them the real truth concerning themselves to combat the negativeness at play. Sometimes the drama they are acting out is not even their script; they are lines being audited to them by parents and/or guardians based on circumstances that have nothing to do with the child. In those cases, process-based thought would help the teen maintain the honor due to that parent while teaching them how to logically and rationally approach issues. More importantly, it may keep them from projecting on each other!
Our young women are precious and need to be treated as such. We have to arm them with the tools necessary to help them overcome drama and help have a positive impact on each other. The DIVAS will be participating in several modules of training during our Summer program. It is our hope that the knowledge they receive would be useful in helping them become trusted leaders among their peers. Let me know your thoughts... Blessings!CH
Friday, June 18, 2010
Learning and Serving
It's that time of year ... DIVAS is at it again! It's amazing how a great idea can last- this one has been in effect since 2000, so I am amazed at the length of time it has existed. A funny thing has happened this year though... former DIVAS from years past are beginning to bring their sisters, nieces, and godbabies to the program. The first question you ask is "am I getting that old?" Then the second is "wow, this thing really does belong to the community".
Rites of Passage programs are age-old institutions practiced by every culture, every race, in one form or another. They usually take form based upon the distinctives and expressions which are prevalent in the communities in which they are conducted. In Tallahassee, FL, our community is one of civic engagment, governmental activity, and community involvment, so we have focused our six-week program around helping young ladies become more aware of how things 'work' governmentally and how it impacts them individually. We have also committed one day out of the week to engage in a generational discussion about real life and how decisions made- even at a young age- can impact your life forever. This year's program also hopes to set in place systems of community-based education as it relates to conflict resolution, personal managment, and fiancial literacy so that our young ladies can obtain a wholistic view of how to begin to establish habits NOW to make them highly effective in the future.
We are also excited about our fundraising opportunities this year! Every year we do a CarWash; but when we were confronted with a deluge of rain last year on the day of the event, we decided to do something revolutionary- wash cars ANYWAY! Working through the rain, we had a great time, raised a remarkable amount of money, and taught our participants that even if a little rain does fall, you must continue to do what you have to do. This year, we have officially named our event the "DIVAS RainWash", and we intend to be out there- RAIN or SHINE- washing cars for our donors! Our program is almost entirely funded through the fundraising activities of our participants and their parents, so community support is KEY to our success.
Also, this year's program has synergized with the Smith Williams Service Center Senior Solutions Program to provide opportunities for shared projects and connection with our Senior Citizens . Projects will include a sewing project, a memorial quilt, and we will produce our first ever 12-month Intergenerational Health Calendar. This publication, which will be unveiled at our July 24th Rites of Passage Banquet, will feature Seniors and Youth in our community engaging in health-related activities and include recipes, health tips, and p;rofessional photos of our seniors and youth throughout! Information on this project will be available on June 18th- we have 24 calendar page sponsorships @ $250 for businesses and local organizations who would like to have their business included in this publication.
We are praying for a summer of transformation for our participants... the spark needed to take a young lady from one path onto another is unpredictable and happens when it is least expected. However, we have seen great things happen over the years and are encouraged by our parents and community in this effort. If you would like to serve as an 'Angel Contributor' for DIVAS, please email me at divasflorida@gmail.com for more information- we are always in need of helpers who can 'stand in the gap' financially in regards to program expenses. If you can't afford to give financially, please pray for our program facilitators, participants, and their parents as we continue this worthwhile endeavor... thank you for eleven years of loving young women in our community. Blessings! CH
Rites of Passage programs are age-old institutions practiced by every culture, every race, in one form or another. They usually take form based upon the distinctives and expressions which are prevalent in the communities in which they are conducted. In Tallahassee, FL, our community is one of civic engagment, governmental activity, and community involvment, so we have focused our six-week program around helping young ladies become more aware of how things 'work' governmentally and how it impacts them individually. We have also committed one day out of the week to engage in a generational discussion about real life and how decisions made- even at a young age- can impact your life forever. This year's program also hopes to set in place systems of community-based education as it relates to conflict resolution, personal managment, and fiancial literacy so that our young ladies can obtain a wholistic view of how to begin to establish habits NOW to make them highly effective in the future.
We are also excited about our fundraising opportunities this year! Every year we do a CarWash; but when we were confronted with a deluge of rain last year on the day of the event, we decided to do something revolutionary- wash cars ANYWAY! Working through the rain, we had a great time, raised a remarkable amount of money, and taught our participants that even if a little rain does fall, you must continue to do what you have to do. This year, we have officially named our event the "DIVAS RainWash", and we intend to be out there- RAIN or SHINE- washing cars for our donors! Our program is almost entirely funded through the fundraising activities of our participants and their parents, so community support is KEY to our success.
Also, this year's program has synergized with the Smith Williams Service Center Senior Solutions Program to provide opportunities for shared projects and connection with our Senior Citizens . Projects will include a sewing project, a memorial quilt, and we will produce our first ever 12-month Intergenerational Health Calendar. This publication, which will be unveiled at our July 24th Rites of Passage Banquet, will feature Seniors and Youth in our community engaging in health-related activities and include recipes, health tips, and p;rofessional photos of our seniors and youth throughout! Information on this project will be available on June 18th- we have 24 calendar page sponsorships @ $250 for businesses and local organizations who would like to have their business included in this publication.
We are praying for a summer of transformation for our participants... the spark needed to take a young lady from one path onto another is unpredictable and happens when it is least expected. However, we have seen great things happen over the years and are encouraged by our parents and community in this effort. If you would like to serve as an 'Angel Contributor' for DIVAS, please email me at divasflorida@gmail.com for more information- we are always in need of helpers who can 'stand in the gap' financially in regards to program expenses. If you can't afford to give financially, please pray for our program facilitators, participants, and their parents as we continue this worthwhile endeavor... thank you for eleven years of loving young women in our community. Blessings! CH
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